2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
