I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
