Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You left your phone here
Wait...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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