stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
