I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You pole danced in your parka.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
