I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
