it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
