Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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