Cold hands, warm shart.
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
