I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
