no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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