i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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