I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
