Those balls look pretty dangerous.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Randomize
