Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Holy sore nipples Batman
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
