He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
