You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
