His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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