11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
