So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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