At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
