just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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