Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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