i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
