Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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