his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
