She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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