Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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