who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs