I think I am morally bankrupt
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
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So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
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But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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