i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
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She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
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im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina