she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize