He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
