Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
worst night to have a conscience
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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