all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
