I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Just high enough for therapy.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
