He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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