Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
