did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I love you. Go after that dick
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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