I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
