you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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