Can Purell be used as lube?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
