Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
