he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
