giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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