There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
