I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
