i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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