sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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