Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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