how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
