Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
