All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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