I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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