had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
