Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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