ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I wannas sexs uuuuu
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
