so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
