Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
