At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
