When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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