Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
