I smell stomach acid.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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