That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
