I want to stick my p in your. b.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
porn star boner night. come get it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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