Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
