Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
